Read Some Stuff
55. If you're ever bored during class just raise your hand multiple times all day and ask if you can use the restroom, then don't go.
54. Someone in the world has fucked a flamingo. And that person is me.
53. I thought The Dark Knight was gonna be about a medieval black warrior but no it was about some weird bat person.
52. I was wondering why my ass hurt but then I realized it's just life fucking me again
51. If I had a dollar for every time I pooped I'd probably poop more cause I need money
50. Last thing I want to do when I wake up and start the day is anything
49. My name is Kevin but you can call me Cevin
48. Pee in a bottle and tell your friend it's apple juice and watch him drink it it's really really funny I do it a lot
47. The best thing about being me, is that I'm not you, I'm me.
46. I've got a penis. You've got a vagina. Let's cut to the chase and hate each other while sleeping on opposite sides of the bed & i jerk it
45. How does she expect me to keep my cock-hole clean 24/7???
44. Asshole doesn't even taste that bad unless she just shit. If she just shit then it tastes like shit.
43. Can someone help me open this can of 'whoop-ass'?
42. I only want to get married because of all the sex.
41. Black Santa would just steal our presents.
40. If Netflix doesn't start streaming porno's then I swear to GOD I'm gonna fucking probably deal with it and use the internet for that.
39. "Your burger is full of semen" - Honest fast food worker.
38. What happens in Vegas will most likely be talked about when you get home and that's just the fucking truth.
37. Bought the new Call of Duty because I'm sick and tired of getting all this pussy.
36. Give me one reason to stay here and I'll turn right back around. Tits don't count. Don't even show those tits right now... Aight I'll stay.
35. Probably no one uses Bing.
34. Fuck, why does poop have to look like chocolate?! :(
33. Midterm? More like fuck you.
32. Cum at me bro.
31. Planning a huge fuck fest for Christmas who's down?
30. Hey, 7 year old me. Your dick isn't going to get any bigger.
29. Hey, girls who bend over in pictures to show off your tits, keep doing what you're doing. I'm just working on this mustache.
27. Why do we pay for water?
26. Call me crazy but I love food.
25. I've never said the K word. (kunt)
24. Who the fuck eats pears? Fuck you if you do.
22. "Hey guys, look at ALL this meat! I just got ALL this meat, guys! Check it out!" - Hamburgler, around his friends.
21. If I had boobs I'd let you all see them because I'm a nice guy and also a big fat whore haha.
20. I saw this chick the other day and then I realized she wasn't making me a sandwich so I got really angry.
19. Blues Clues raped and killed Red Clues. That's why we've only heard about Blues Clues.
18. This bagel is so good it's not even funny! I'm serious guys, it's not :(
17. My favorite thing to do is tits.
16. Skinny jeans? 'Dick wouldn't fit.
15. No one loves my handles :(
14. "I get more ass than a toilet seat" - Me, if I was way cooler.
13. N_GGERS! (naggers)
12. I've always wanted to put my knees on a Nissan.
11. "Thar she blows!" - Me, getting a blowjob last Halloween. (I was a pirate)
10. I get so much pussy but at the same time it's really expensive having to buy all this kitty liter.
9. I've been thinking lately which probably means apocalypse.
8. If you need any drugs I know a guy that knows some people that do too.
7. Ugh. I have no one to do this weekend. :/
6. I've got moves like Jager-MEISTER.. Because I'm drunk.. No? Fuck you.
5. Mmmmm. Meth.
4. I wish I only had 99 problems.
3. What ever happened to virgins? I don't think they make those anymore.
2. I bet people in Minnesota that really like soda would rather it be called 'Minnesoda'